He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize