If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
