I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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