I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
