Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
