he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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