Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
