mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Is it penis luge time yet?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
