You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
