his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
