I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
