I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
