It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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