i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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