You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
