Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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