first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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