i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
