You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
