Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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