if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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