i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize