I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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