mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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