I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
