to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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