I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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