it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
this hospital has no fireball
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
