Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i think i just naturally attract stoners
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize