the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
