She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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