I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
