im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
