Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
