Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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