I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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