I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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