There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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