I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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