i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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