i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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