You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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