Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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