my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
