cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
