I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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