I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
