I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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