Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
