When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I have fence marks all over my body
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
