I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize