I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
