hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
