Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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