shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
