first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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