I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
