I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
