I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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