Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
